I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
