After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
