nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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