I think scott just propositioned me for sex
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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