Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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