I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
