I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
