Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
