So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
