You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
