For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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