nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
