If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
