I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
