I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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