I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
