Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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