You can't special order awesome
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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