Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
