Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Drunk is not a location!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
