So drunk its hurt
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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