Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize