so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
