I'm eating all of the evidence.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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