Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
