I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
