Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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