He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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