I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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