I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
