I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
