you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
