It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
