hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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