Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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