If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
