I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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