just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
