I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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