Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
