I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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