she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize