I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
