so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Randomize
