If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I looked at my own cervix.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
