I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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