the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
