What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize