He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
