That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
