Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
