Soap is not a condiment
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
