Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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