why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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