Are we in a gay sports bar?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize