Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize