everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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