yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
