this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
