all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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